Water, water everywhere...

and nary a drop to drink.

Sometimes, that's how I feel. Coleridge knew. Drowning in life. That really should never be a phrase anyone utters. Yesterday wasn't a great day. The day started spiraling downward when we discussed, in depth, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Growing up in a household where my mother suffered from this disease was not easy. She was never officially diagnosed with it, and still isn't. In fact, we never knew what it was until a few years ago, which brought some closure--albeit the memories were not erased, with the gaining of knowledge about it. I have memories that I thought were repressed become triggered by certain phrases or words or actions, or even weird deja vu instances. The class talking about the symptoms and signs and physical manifestations were too much for me to handle yesterday. I thought I'd had a fairly decent grip on it, but apparently not. I came home in tears. Thankfully, I have a pretty awesome husband who understands and tried to comfort me as best he could.

Already being in a down mood because of class, I started thinking about all the negative crap about my girlie issues, and how much of them might have been prevented had my mother seemed to actually care about it. I got angry. I got mad. I was livid. I cried some more. I got more depressed because of finances and the upcoming doctor visit. Because of what I might have to be prescribed and what I might have to take as far as medicines go. Not being able to afford it. Having my babies taken from my grasp before they are even placed in it because of the expense of fertility medicines, monthly prescriptions, doctor visits...and no insurance. No nothing. I cried myself to sleep last night. I cried in my sleep. I'm fighting off tears now. I have to keep fighting and keep trucking. Keep doing my part and keep believing that God will do his part. So, I'm trying to cheer up. Anyone got any ideas on how to cheer up and be happy? I'm thinking of going to make a cheesecake. That may happen tomorrow, because I have a psychology test tomorrow I must study for. But I still have plans for cheesecake making. Ah the sweet joys of baking as a stress reliever. Expensive hobby, but I thankfully already have all the ingredients on hand. I must ponder what to actually make for dinner tonight. I'm not sure.