Asphyxiation

Today has been rough. Today has been an emotional roller-coaster. I want babies. I called to pre-register for my dye x-ray on Monday, only to be told that I would have to have a bare minimum of $675 before they would do the test. I have no insurance, my husband is on disability, and my only source of income right now is whatever happens to be left over from my financial aid for school. I was told that we make too much money for financial assistance. Too much money at $700/month from disability. Now, I knew this wouldn't be an easy journey. I know I only have a short amount of time in which to bear children. I had hoped that we would have more income to pay for the tests and medicines and whatnot. I know that should I have a child we need more income. I KNOW all of this. Maybe I was holding out hope and faith that something would happen. Some miracle would take place. I'm in limbo right now. I feel as if my babies are being taken from me before I even have a chance to conceive them. I'm being robbed. Tomorrow when the nurse calls back to talk to me about sonograms and everything, I'm going to just have to tell her to call it off. To wait and see what's going on. I'm due for my annual exam next month. Can we just let it rest until then? Can we wait and see if the new year brings more hope and fortitude? I'm floundering around in an abyss of emotions. Hurt. Anxiety. Fear. Depression. Sadness. Anger. These are all rife within me, yet I still feel the need to fight, though I am unsure how.

Affording the sonograms, the tests, the medicines, the injections, the everything is out of the question right now. We barely have enough money to feed ourselves. What was wrong with me to think that maybe I could take care of a baby or two? The desire to have children and to love them and care for them is all encompassing. It surpasses my basic survival instincts, or at least, it seems to. I feel like I'm drowning in a never ending cycle of misery and despair and all because of money. People who say money can't buy everything never had to live without it. It can't buy joy, but it can buy food and shelter and clothing. It can buy doctors and medicine and health care. It can buy a car that won't break down if you look at it wrong. It can alleviate some stress. The stress of basic living and functioning. Without worry of where your next meal is coming from or whether or not your shoes will hold out the rest of the year, one can concentrate on other things. I'm so sick of this. This cycle of poverty and desperation. Of being told that there are programs to help, but they won't help. I've tried. I've tried them all. I'm sick of not being able to help myself. I'm going to school so that hopefully I can help myself in the future. But what happens to the present? I can't work and get a job with insurance while I'm in school. I did that before and wound up in the hospital from exhaustion and stress. I'm walking a razor thin line of dilemmas. "Go to school part time and work," was a suggestion. I lose a great chunk of my financial aid when I do that. Tried it last semester. I lost a lot of scholarship money because of it. The loans alone aren't enough to cover everything, even for part time.

All of this ties into my "What do I do now?" questions. Finish school to have a better future and be able to support the babies, but at the cost of possibly not being able to have them. I'm on a very tight timeline. I don't know. I can't even think coherently right now. All of the thoughts in my brain are jumping at me at once. I need to breathe and I can't. I need to sleep and I can't. Each thought is shouting at mee, "what are you going to do?! You have to pick one thing or the other and neither is guaranteed to help your situation any!" They taunt me and mock me. None of them offering any hope or suggestions of a way out. I've hit the very bottom. And I'm curled up crying.

Add to that, today my father-in-law was in a very nasty car wreck. He's okay. The car isn't. I went to pick him up and it was a mess. Traffic. The cars. Ambulances. Fire trucks. He was pretty shaken up, and got a ticket, but I'm so glad he's okay. I also think I somehow managed to kill all the fish in his fish tank while he's been gone at the hospital with the mother-in-law who had back surgery. I just tossed out a very large, very dead plecostomus. I don't know if I overfed them, underfed, them or what happened. I can't do anything right, it seems.